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The World's Sexiest Canadian
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| MULLET WITH HEADLIGHTS |
[Jun. 29th, 2009|01:14 am] |
Seriously. Everybody in the Eighties was on WAAAAAAAAAY too much cocaine. |
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| Movie Review: Transformers 2 Revenge of the Fallen |
[Jun. 24th, 2009|08:29 pm] |
Transformers 2: Revenge of the Fallen just came out and its already been abused more times than a blond-haired woman with glasses in a Sam Peckinpah movie.
I'm at a total loss as to how to properly voice my distaste for this giant lagoon of dreck without appearing like every other voice in the choir of snark that has recently erupted from Rotten Tomatoes like a very pissy impromptu version of O Fortuna. I feel a little bit overwhelmed because apparently I didn't get the memo that every other film critic on the planet received, and so I haven't been warming up for this review like Rocky Balboa getting ready to fight Mr. T. Going through the ocean of negative reviews for this movie, it felt like Pauline Kael had somehow managed to possess the majority of the critic community from beyond the grave and is busy spinning their heads in circles while forcing them to vomit out enough pure, unadulterated viciousness to block out the sun. The film critic community has effectively eviscerated Michael Bay, crucifying him on an edifice of flaming dvds while castrating his giant military penis infatuation with the literary equivalent of an orbital laser. So I feel somewhat insecure that I only brought my pen-knife to jab at the mewing, pulped goo that was once a dead horse.
So the real question isn't whether or not Transformers 2 is good; the question is whether or not Transformers 2 is as bad as the critics claim.
And I am here to tell you "no".
It's actually much worse.
Transformers 2 is like getting a visit from a drunken jock dressed up as Optimus Prime who makes you sit around watching him get shit-faced while he tries to pick up women, jerks himself off to old tapes of 80s professional wrestling and endlessly complains about how everything is the fault of minorities. After about fifteen seconds you're so embarrassed to even be in its presence that you're desperately slamming your face into the knee of a nearby patron in a mad attempt to knock yourself unconscious.
People have accused this movie of having giant plot holes. I beg to differ. Transformers 2 is a hole with a few scattered debris of plot orbiting around it.
The story, from what I can remember, is that Megan Fox looks sexy while her boobs bounce up and down in slow motion as she runs away from Junkyard Diarrhea as explosions go off in the background. Which means that Uwe Boll should probably sue Transformers 2 because I'm pretty sure that was the plot for House of the Dead. There's also MacGuffins and Deus Ex Machina aplenty, that all revolved around the animated film’s matrix of leadership (alas no Stan Bush soundtrack, but thankfully no Rodimus Prime either) and we have Constructicons, sun harvesters, and oh yes, it turns out that the Transformers are responsible for building the pyramids. Which is the genre-writing equivalent of firing a warning shot across the bow of the audience to let them know that the movie has officially RUN OUT OF IDEAS.
Transformers 2 can't even deliver on the promise of being a decent two-hour long toy commercial for kids, let alone being a good movie.
The first Transformers movie was a gung-ho silly action turd with tough military douche-bags giving each other a thumbs-up and patting each other on the ass while inexplicably silly robots did somersaults around them like circus gymnasts and explosions went off in slow motion while Megan Fox looked hot. It was the most expensive B-movie in cinema history. Transformers 2 is a completely different animal. TF2 is clearly pissy that Obama got elected and that its taxes are getting raised and has absolute naked contempt for anyone with an IQ number higher than their shoe-size. It's not just stupid, it's tasteless and racist and sexist and stupid. Transformers 2 makes Uwe Boll's Postal look like Spike Lee's Do the Right Thing. It's a very ugly and insidious film hiding behind a toy commercial drawing direct connections between two illiterate, buck-toothed, jive-talking, monkey-faced robots and black people, while demeaning women in a way that makes Maxim look like MS magazine.
On top of that the vast majority of the action scenes (the selling point of the movie) look like Jackson Pollock vomiting shrapnel into a blender. I know that the Bourne movies have made it cool for your camera man to have an epileptic seizure while you're filming a fight sequence, but when you apply that technique in slow motion to giant robots with more moving parts than a Swedish clock, it has the effect of making me want to dip my eyes into a bowl of hot sauce. These scenes aren't edited for a generation hopped up on sugar with a terminal case of ADD, these scenes are edited for sugar-junkie ADD kids who just did a head-stand in a mountain of cocaine. It's like someone painted the screen in a thick collage of moving robot bits. Not only could I not keep up with who was who, I couldn't figure out what was going where. For all I know Bumblebee was slapping Devastator in the face with his robot dong and tea-bagging him into submission. Considering the rest of the content of the movie, I wouldn't be surprised.
When the movie isn't dealing with action set pieces shot from the perspective of a thrashing stroke victim, it wastes tons of screen time on various figures of 'comic relief' (who are neither). This pacing becomes so mind-numbing, frustrating and tedious that it makes Dragonball Z look about as progressive as The Wire. Yes Dragonball could spend an entire episode on a single character screaming a battle-cry, but at least that had something to do with the FREAKING PLOT. There is over an hour worth of completely superfluous toss that I could have edited out of this movie and nobody watching would have batted an eye. There is not a single, storytelling reason why Transformers 2 has to be over one hundred and forty minutes long, except that's how much time it takes to get in that many very obvious product placements and bad dick jokes.
I was one of the critics that somewhat enjoyed the first Transformers movie, because despite being about as coherent as a taxi ride through a falling building, I was willing to forgive and overlook its faults in favor of having a good time. Transformers 1 was an obvious grab for cash, but it was also a lot of fun with no real agenda except having fun. There's nothing wrong with shutting your brain off every now and again and enjoying a silly film that indulges your childhood fantasies. Besides, hearing the warm, fatherly, voice of Optimus Prime hit my mental sugar button and brought back more good memories from my youth than the smell of Grandma.
Now I feel guilty for enabling this nightmare and must accept the consequences of my actions.
Transformers 2: Revenge of the Fallen is like watching Hollywood take all of those happy memories from my youth and use them as toilet paper to wipe their asses. Transformers 2 makes these beloved characters do piss, dick and fart jokes as they exploit women, promote ugly stupid nationalism and indulge in hideous racial stereotyping. I wouldn't say my childhood was raped, it's more like my childhood raped me. Like all the cool characters I used to love have been suddenly exposed to be the social equivalent of a bunch of drunken creepy uncles.
No Bumblebee. I do not want to touch you in the bad place. Not even for a lollipop.
Transformers 2 is incoherent, boring and inbred stupid. It is targeted directly at a legion of asinine brain-dead idiots who's idea of aspiring to greatness is reaching for the intellectual plateau of JOE THE PLUMBER. Which means this movie shuns anything more complicated than Obvious Good Guys versus Obvious Bad Guys facing each other in a completely explosive (and expendable) foreign surrounding while making juvenile penis-jokes as women and ethnic minorities exist only to demean themselves. It appeals to people who feel overly threatened by complex ideas like 'characters', and 'plot'; and who find anything more complicated than Nice Robot versus Ugly Robot to be as dense and impenetrable as the prose of Immanuel Kant.
Transformers 2 is one of the few films that made me demand a refund, and afterward I still felt like it owed me money. |
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| Movie Review: The Chaser |
[May. 29th, 2009|12:00 pm] |
Humanity’s greatest talent in the face of adversity is our ability to understand and adapt. If we can see motive, and we can see rationale, if we can visualize how a horrible thing happens, we can prepare for it. This is why people who can never stand to watch horror movies can sit through endless hours of CSI.
Movies and television shows like CSI give us the meaning and motive behind the chaos, they show us the predictability in horrific events like rape, murder, rampages and accidents.
For all its gruesome visuals, CSI is ultimately sooth-saying. It’s bringing order to chaos.
The slick Korean thriller The Chaser does the exact opposite. And it is the best crime thriller to come out of any country since David Fincher’s Seven.
Read the rest of the review here |
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| SWINE FLU? I'm Scared. |
[Apr. 29th, 2009|07:56 am] |
Honest. Why am I scared? Because all the crazy people who don't believe in vaccinations, think the New World Order of Shape-Changing Reptile Space Aliens is coming to put chips in our wrists and know for a fact that Global Warming is fake....aren't scared.
These people jump in terror at the sight of airplanes in the sky and think eating vegetables will cure cancer.
If there's one thing I know for certain, it's that these people are always wrong. When the smart scientist guy on the news is saying "Pandemic" and Captain Space Reptile says "It's all a scam?" I'm leaning heavily towards buying a Hazmat Suit. |
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| The Return of the Returner. |
[Apr. 28th, 2009|12:30 am] |
I've been away working.
- I'm working on a screenwriting gig, hopefully it will pay off. If it doesn't? Meh. If it does work out? You guys will be the first to know.
- Carlos has cast me as the lead in his first feature film he will put in production next year called "SEXCAT and FALCON". I'm Sexcat McIntyre. My character is described in his script as "the reason why vaginas were invented". So yeah ladies? I'm to blame.
- I'm one year older. I didn't feel older until today when I walked into someone who didn't know the band DEVO. I was like "Fish heads?!" and they're like "Uh...nopes..." And I'm like "REALLY?!"
- I came in 6th in the Short Screenplay competition. I wasn't really surprised I didn't win because I wrote a script about Zombie Ninjas. On the other hand I was surprised I got sixth place because...I wrote a script about Zombie Ninjas.
- The Driver is finished. My hat's off to Tammy who directed most of her first feature-length film from her freaking car, and busted her butt for a whole year to get her vision off the ground. And what a year it's been: Eddie tore both his ACL's hyper-extending on a kick. Carlos broke his ankle during a beautiful stunt-fight with Siechi, and then Carlos popped his shoulder out of joint by doing a 20 foot free-fall onto cardboard boxes. Jimmy got whip-lash and a level three concussion from a mule kick to the neck. Randy got bruised ribs from taking a grazing baseball shot across his ribs. I sat at home and wrote. HA-HA!!! Just kidding. You guys are amazing. Now...how about a sequel?
- I'm going to be buying an actual movie camera and be making my own short films soon. To this end I've written sixteen possible scripts, each one five to six pages long, each one more fucked up than the last.
- I'm still working on my first short SPEAK EASY. We're thinking of making it again as a feature. I could easily take the 45 page script and extended it. We'll see. These things happen.
- Also working on a vampire feature called "Winter". If I can get Jerome to lend me the Redrock for longer than a day. PUL-LEAZE! I promise not to throw it off a balcony doing an Argento-shot...maybe...
- I'm going to be going on vacation in Nova Scotia this summer and staying at an Ocean-front mansion. Oh yeaah! My nipples are practically purring in delight.
- I might also finally learn to drive this summer. I have found a teacher who has no fear and much patience.
- I feel bad for a friend. He took photos last weekend of a marriage. The girl in question is someone he cares for a great deal (in *that* way) and the photos are...well.. dark and somewhat somber and sad. It was shot outside during a storm and the clouds are dark and there are these moments when the bride is looking into the camera and he's looking at the bride and there's a certain 'Sorry about that' expression in her eyes that's positively heart-breaking. Ah, well.
- I spent three days trying to help a person I knew only a little online. I feel kinda stupid, cause it's not like I really know her, we haven't even really chatted, I was just a fan of her photography and she was upset and I had time. Even if I don't have time, I seem to always have time to help out. Meh. Deadlines? What are those? Random internet acquaintance requires my aid! I read too many superhero comics as a kid. That's my fucking problem.
- My birthday was awesome, all around. I did tons of shit, saw tons of people, reinforced my status as Canada's Largest Orgy Magnet. And I got to hang out with my brother from a different mother! OT!!! I love you man!!
- So how are you guys doing? |
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| MEGA MAN 2 GANGSTA RAP WALKTHROUGH |
[Mar. 31st, 2009|11:17 pm] |
This was my favorite video game when I was a kid. Mainly because it was easy.
This is the Gangsta Rap-Walkthrough of Mega Man 2. It is freaking epic.
"I got a face for radio and a box for a suit!"
"Yeah, Capcom didn't spend much time on you."
GAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. |
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| Unlocking the Riddles of Puzzlehead |
[Mar. 31st, 2009|09:07 am] |
The story of Puzzlehead deals with a scientist named Walter in a desolate future who builds a humanoid robot that looks identical to him named Puzzlehead.
Not only is the machine a physical doppleganger for Walter, but the scientist is even using his own mind as the foundation for Puzzlehead’s artificial intelligence. The scientist copies his own neural net onto the robot’s brain and then nurtures its intelligence by teaching it chess, language and music. As time goes by Puzzlehead becomes a companion to Walter who uses it for chores and eventually lets it go out into the world to fetch food and supplies. After a dangerous encounter with unsavory elements Puzzlehead is modified so that Walter can chronicle and record all of his movements. The recording of Puzzlehead’s actions leads to the scientist discovering a chance encounter between the machine and a local grocery store owner whom Walter has been secretly infatuated with for a long time. This event gives the scientist an unprecedented opportunity to approach the woman he loves by stealing the identity of his own creation. The ramifications of this act set in motion a chain of events that lead to betrayal, rebellion, revenge and murder.
Read the rest of my review for Puzzlehead at Fatally Yours.com |
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| FOX NEWS versus CANADA. |
[Mar. 25th, 2009|12:10 pm] |
I'm sure many of you are well aware by now of the comments made against Canadians and our military by the jokers at FOX NEWS and Greg Gutfeld and his show RED EYE in particular. For those who missed it...here you go
To sum it up for the people who don't want to watch the dancing troll:
"The Canadian military wants to take a breather to do some yoga, paint landscapes, run on the beach in gorgeous white capri pants."
"Isn't this the perfect time to invade this ridiculous country? They have no army."
Now I know that there's going to be a lot of people out there looking to make this into some kind of issue of national Canadian pride, but I don't take these insults to our military seriously, and I'm not going to stand around comparing the size of our RAMBO willies with a bunch of intellectual midgets.
I have many friends who live in America and I love them dearly, and I would never put their country down just because a bunch of mentally imbalanced hobgoblins got onto a television set and acted like idiots.
I also know lots of people in the armed forces from around the world who respect Canadians and hold the JTF2 in high esteem. The idea that Greg Gutfeld, who couldn't even hold a job at STUFF magazine, can be taken seriously when he criticizes Canada's military who have been hip deep in quagmires like Afghanistan, Haiti, Nepal, Zaire, the Congo, Rwanda, Tanzania, Peru, Sudan or Bolivia is laughable at best.
Pathetic and sad at worst.
Not that it's surprising that FOX NEWS would peddle this kind of dismissive bullcrap at the personal expense of war heroes and their families.
A real reporter stakes their reputation and their career on the facts they present, they don't leave it up to the people to decide if they're right or wrong. They investigate, they put the hard work into researching their story so they can present as honest a perspective as possible to their audience. To a real reporter the facts are the story, because the facts aren't subjective. The facts are what don't go away when you stop believing in them.
FOX NEWS's motto is 'We Report, you Decide'. So they openly admit to not giving you the facts. They admit that they give you a superficial spin on the facts from their particular perspective and you get to do all the research and hard work to actually see whether or not they're just a bunch of lying and manipulative assholes.
So in other words the FOX NEWS motto is: "We are bunch of unprofessional hacks who can't do our jobs."
The fact that they consistently live up to that motto is not really shocking.
What really offends me isn't the mudslinging per se, but the quality of the mud that is being slung.
I mean really? "Canada has no Military"?
Yeah. How witty and verbose. I have to admit that was a hilarious joke when I first heard it thirty years ago in Kindergarten. From another child in Kindergarten. That FOX actually believes that this kind of show passes for a witty discussion of important modern topics for people above the age of two is a frightening gauge of their viewers overall lack of intelligence. What kind of knuckle-dragging subhumans are watching this program? Did the brainless Morlock demographic suddenly become too intelligent for FOX's programming standards? Maybe their new slogan should be "OUTWITTING FOX NEWS: SO EASY, A CAVEMAN COULD DO IT"
It's not disturbing to me that Greg Gutfeld acts like a repellent jackass, it's disturbing to me that he gets paid to do a five year old's comedy routine on a national news channel. He gets paid in money...not like...crackers or pudding pops.
I know Gutfeld's show is only on at 3:00am in the morning, but so are infomercials and those look like someone actually put effort into them. I mean have you seen the clapper? Chia Pets? Cha-Cha-Cha-Chia? That's a great little jingle. Someone had to think that up and that certainly required more talent, thought and imagination than anything ever displayed on RED EYE. Gutfeld's five year old comedy routine is allowed to compete with Ron Jeremy and his magical Big Dick pills for television ratings? How offensive. If I was the President (and client) of the Hair Club for Men, I'd be insulted. Late Night programming may not have standards or integrity, but at least they're professionals. Gutfeld's presence brings the property value down.
But what's really insulting was his half-hearted 'apology' to Canadians:
"I realize my words may have been misunderstood. It was not my intent to disrespect the brave men, women and families of the Canadian military, and for that I apologize," Gutfeld said in a written statement. He then went on to describe Red Eye as a "satirical take" on the news where all topics are treated in a "lighthearted, humorous and ridiculous manner".
Ah, no. We understood you just fine Greg. You're not subtle, or sophisticated or satirical. When you make a shitty joke and the crowd groans, it's not because you're secretly Andy Kaufman and a misunderstood genius, it's because you suck and you couldn't pull satire out of your ass if you sat on Richard Pryor's head. What you really mean to say is that your joke wasn't directed at amusing Canadians, it was directed at amusing a core audience of brainless, nationalistic, overcompensating, one-toothed hillbillies who eat beans out of the can, can't spell their names and communicate with grunting, clicking and by painting smiley faces in bacon grease.
Just because it's your job to frolic around and play in a giant pool of steaming horse ejaculation, doesn't mean we have to be any less disgusted while watching you do it.
People like you and your loyal defenders don't have enough class to share the same respected company as a Pringle's can full of piss. You're vile, loathsome walking bags of goat vomit who arrogantly believe that just because you have an opinion the rest of the world is entitled to listen to it and respect it. Well here's a news flash bucko: respect is earned, not given. Opening your mouth and sticking your tongue out while eating a bowl of mashed potatoes doesn't make you a witty cultural analyst it makes you an annoying child with bad manners.
We didn't misunderstand you.
You misunderstood us.
You're a grown man on national television. We expected you to act like one. It's not our fault that your family didn't raise you to have any sense of self-respect, dignity or honor. And it's not our responsibility to have patience with you if you don't exhibit those basic human traits.
Welcome to the adult world Greg. In this magical kingdom you are held accountable for your actions. I know this might be a bit of stretch for someone who has made a career for himself by being an emotionally arrested manchild, but do yourself a favor, and do try to grow the fuck up. |
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| The Sci-Fi Channel is Changing Its Name..... |
[Mar. 19th, 2009|02:40 am] |
From this point forward it shall be known as...
Because Sai-Fei, Sigh-Figh, CyFi and PsyPhi were apparently all taken.
Also according to their press release: “The name Sci Fi has been associated with geeks and dysfunctional, antisocial boys in their basements with video games and stuff like that, as opposed to the general public and the female audience in particular,” said TV historian Tim Brooks, who helped launch Sci Fi Channel when he worked at USA Network.
Someone forgot to tell the people running the station that they're a specialty channel. Perhaps it will become like most cable TV and simply be consumed by the trillion or so Flip My House, Buy This House, Sell This House, Move Somewhere Nice tv programs. |
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| Ninjas eat Brains. |
[Mar. 16th, 2009|01:43 pm] |
My short screenplay is now one of the top 25 semi-finalists in a short screenplay contest. Huh. Not bad for a script about ninja zombies! LULZ. |
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| I Watch the Watchmen. But do I like what I see? |
[Mar. 13th, 2009|10:36 am] |
Watchmen changed everything.
In the era before Watchmen, comics about superhumans mostly focused on the 'super' part of the story; fighting crime, having nifty powers, facing deadly enemies, using incredible gadgets and hanging out in teams of champions dedicated to saving the world. Watchmen looked at it from the human side of the equation. Saving the world is what these characters do, but who are they, what are they like, what drives them to get up every morning and put on these outfits and fight this eternal struggle for the sake of mankind? For that matter is someone who enjoys fighting crime on a daily basis a good person by nature? What does having incredible cosmic powers and being totally invincible really do to a person's psyche, would they view themselves as human at all, would anyone else view them as human? What's it like to be born into a family with a legacy of fighting crime and violence as some kind of sex symbol celebrity status? What happens to someone who sees every thing with an idealistic black and white simplicity when the whole world turns gray? What happens when you give a polymath super-genius the puzzle of saving humanity from itself; is there really a solution, and is that solution something you want to know? Finally, what happens to a superhero when he's forced to retire and live a 'normal life' when being a superhero was his entire life?
The unprecedented and unflinchingly realistic answers to these questions in Watchmen changed everything in the superhero genre.
Watchmen starts with the death of a government superhero named The Comedian which leads a group of retired superheroes through their own history and across the globe to find a madman. It isn't about the end goal so much as it is about the journey the characters take (more intellectually, than physically) to reach the conclusion. It's a story about how being a superhero effects a person, and how superheroes would effect society and life as we know it. In most superhero comics, no matter what the hero does the world remains generally unfazed, it's like the Simpsons reset button, going back to square one every issue. In Watchmen actions have consequences and take emotional and physical tolls that can't be wished away.
The problem with a Watchmen movie is how does one translate this story into film and keep it fresh, over twenty years after the fact? In particular when movies have already had superheroes as allegories for homophobia and racism, and where television has had characters like Buffy the Vampire Slayer who translate the hardships of sexism and life as a woman into a 'never-ending battle' against evil? Ang Lee's HULK dove right into the mental and abused family issues of Bruce Banner, drawing a parallel between his father's issues with rage and Bruce's own inner demon. Don't even get me started on The Dark Knight.
The superhero as a larger concept story, as a darker story, as a more violent exercise, it has already been done in film and has been done so often, that it is quickly becoming its own cliche. How does someone make Watchmen stand out in the fashion trend it helped to invent? For that matter Watchmen the comic book was revolutionary because it dissected classical elements and cliches of the superhero stereotype and the conventions of comic book formula and storytelling. Watchmen works as a story because it is a comic book and it really wouldn't work as anything else. Film goers, readers, etc aren't bringing the same kind of baggage to the plot that comic book fans brought in the 80s when the comic was first released; so they're going to react to it in a very different way. That's a heck of a hurdle to overcome to faithfully translate the film to the big screen and honestly, I didn't think it could be done.
I was half-wrong.
Watchmen the movie, while it is complete lunacy at times, and often more enamored with fight sequences and gory compound fractures than plot, still works, and I think it works partly because the actors bring so much talent to the roles and I also think it works because Zack Snyder always wears his influences on his sleeve and is so entrenched in film I don't think he can take a visual cue from anything else. There are directors like Argento who clearly reference fine art and photography in their cinema, who look for inspiration outside of the form to construct new and exciting imagery in their movies. I think Snyder is a huge film nerd, who just sees other movies. So Snyder does a scene in Vietnam and naturally we have homages to Apocalypse Now and Full Metal Jacket, Snyder does a fight scene in an apartment and we have an homage to Oldboy, Snyder does a scene in the rain-swept streets of a city, and naturally it looks like Blade Runner. Snyder's direction is thick with homage. It's the same style that gave a lot of atmosphere and a sense of eerie familiarity to the remake of Dawn of the Dead. It's the same style that took 300 and made it even more absurd and outlandish than its source material. In Watchmen, Snyder takes the concept and re-writes it in cinematic cliches (instead of comic book cliches), while the plot and the performances invert those cliches. Whether or not this was intentional, is irrelevant. Either way it's interesting.
For example The Comedian in the comic book was like a parody of Nick Fury and the Peacemaker, but in the movie he's more like a combination of iconic 80s action heroes, which makes his death in the opening moments all the more resounding when you think about it in retrospect. He's like Bruce Willis and Arnold Schwarzenegger put together. He's this massive, stoogie-chewing, gun-totting, patriot with a huge imposing physical presence, who spits out pithy one liners (hence his name) while shooting down enemies. He is also repulsively sexist and bigoted and at the same time weirdly likable and identifiable. The Comedian's defining moment is when he's gunning down protesters in the street. Fellow superhero Night Owl asks him: "What happened to the American Dream?" The Comedian replies: "It came true." The line is delivered with that trademark cliche kind of Dirty Harry-esque dry wit, but the context of the comment within the movie and how it reflects on both the character's motivations and action heroes in general is very effective.
Every single character and every single moment in Watchmen resonates with this sense of disturbing familiarity.
It's like seeing all of these action movie cliches again for the first time, because all of the cliches are reflected darkly in this funhouse mirror, taking safe and recognizable imagery and twisting them into something thought-provoking and disturbing.
Patrick Wilson's portrayal of Dan Drieberg, the washed up alter ego of the superhero Night Owl, is like a moody and impotent homage to Christopher Reeves portrayal of Clark Kent right down to the hair style and the physical performance. Billy Crudup brings a subtle emotional gravity to the CGI behemoth Dr. Manhattan, and his performance echoes great science fiction creatures, like a combination of 2001's HAL and GORT from the original The Day the Earth Stood Still. Malin Akerman is clad in the trademark tight revealing outfit of the femme fatale as Silk Specter, but she wears it like a curse she inherited from her mother, and the performance of Malin gives this role an unsettling amount of vulnerability, reminding the audience constantly that there is a real damaged and fucked up person under that illusion of the 'Vixen'. Even during the hyper-absurd and unsettling "superheroes fucking" scene (which felt like Basic Instinct being directed by Oliver Stone), it is so weird that it's impossible for her to really be objectified.
One of the characters who's appearance changed the most in translation to cinema is Matthew Goode as the polymath super-genius Ozymandias. In the comic book Ozymandias looked like a Greek God, a sort of Doc Savage man of bronze, with that trademark Jack Kirby character design. Goode's Ozymandias looks like the typical techno-genius cliche in cinema. A effeminate cross between Bill Gates with Andy Warhol, and he also just happens to be the most deadly hand to hand fighter on the planet, a lithe and deliberate warrior with cat-like reflexes. So here we have the action hero turned on its head again, instead of the tough guy with big muscles and chiseled good looks, this fashionable-looking nerd is a titan of confidence and calm deliberate action, capable of dodging bullets and striking down assassins with the same blase physical ease you would display opening your front door.
Finally we have Jackie Earle Haley as the Steve Ditko-type superhero Rorschach who sees everything with a sense of Randian Objectivism. He is the generic anti-hero who will go to any lengths to right a wrong, arguing that the ends justify the means. In many ways he is the typical male power fantasy. He has the gruff, growling voice that is now a trademark of the anti-hero, the cool costume, the ridiculously violent attitude that can only come with a childish sense of instant gratification, and he speaks in nihilistic overly long monologues like a combination of Dirty Harry and Sam Spade. The difference between the comic and the movie is that Haley brings something else to the role that the comic really couldn't communicate; a sense of sympathy for Rorschach. In the ending moments of the film, Haley's performance is so well developed, it's like Rorschach knows that he's making the exact same choice as the villain, only for different reasons; but he can't compromise, he can't escape what he is and always has to be, because for him A is inevitably A. He's caught in a philosophical catch 22; the situation has made him into what he has dedicated his life to destroying and yet to not become that thing would destroy himself. In the end Haley brings a surprisingly powerful sense of desperation, sadness and impotence to the character's realization and it makes him infinitely more relatable and pitiable, which again distorts the entire image of the anti-hero and his fundamentalist approach to the world.
All of which makes Watchmen very neat and intriguing and a good (albeit very strange and wildly uneven) movie, but not the groundbreaking or earth-shattering success that a lot of the diehard fans were expecting. The fans want the movie to be a revelation, they wanted a revolution and what they got was a very introspective and self-deprecating action film; which is not going to be enough. Fans of comic books have always loved the idea of a Watchmen movie, not because they liked the story so much, many of them would rather just read X-Men, but because many believed it would bring legitimacy to the superhero genre. That all the people who look down on them for reading comics would see a comic book masterpiece come to life, and go to the newsstand to pick up the newest issue of Spider-Man. However I think Alan Moore was correct in his opinion that Watchmen could not be made faithfully into a movie. Watchmen can't be about action movie or science fiction cliches, it has to be about the superheroes and it has to be done in their visual vocabulary to really give its main theme weight. And to pull that off, Watchmen cannot exist outside of the comic book medium.
When I read Watchmen for the first time as a kid I was overwhelmed by a sense of nostalgia and a strange kindness towards the superhero. I don't think Alan Moore really intended to knock down all the sand castles and turn all the superheroes into dark, gritty, introspective anti-heroes who stabbed muggers for fun. Watchmen visualizes heroes in the real world, and it makes them gritty and violent and realistic, but a funny thing happens; in the real world superhumans are ultimately still human. And being human triggers their demise. People are flawed, they are lonely, and fractured, frustrated, emotionally vulnerable, even if they're physically indestructible and immortal. And I think that's the point of Watchmen. The reason why we need heroic fantasy so much, is precisely because it can never exist in our world. Watchmen shows us why it can never exist.
Watchmen is not a damning critique on superheroes, it's a damning critique on us.
That's what makes it great. That's what the movie's missing. |
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| It's been awhile but....yeah: The Economy is still Screwed. |
[Mar. 5th, 2009|08:50 pm] |
Man, when I said that 6,000 was the absolute lowest I ever thought the Dow would go during this crisis I thought I was being realistic but a pessimist.
Now I'm looking like a raging optimist.
The insanity this week with AIG, GE, and the unemployment numbers tomorrow more or less guarantees new lows, and its gotten to the point where people are looking at the numbers and they literally are saying they can't see a bottom to the pit.
Yikes. |
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| The only award ceremony that really mattered this week. |
[Feb. 27th, 2009|01:40 pm] |
So I went to see my Mom be awarded 'Teacher of the Year' by a bunch of Thames Valley officials yesterday in a big, lavish party. And not thirty minutes afterward, I had a car door slammed on my hand.
But if you think a car door and a few busted up fingers is going to stop me from actually writing about how proud I am of my Mom, you've got another thing coming.
Here's the deal.
I always tell people that I learned feminism the hard way.
I watched my single Mom lose her house to a fire, be left with nothing, and raise my brother and I, while working two jobs and going to University and becoming one of the best teachers in the country.
She went from nothing to being one of the most respected and admired and accomplished people in her profession and she did it while raising my brother and I right and looking out for us, every single step of the way. She had to carry a responsibility that would break a lot of so-called tough guys like dry twigs and leave them rolled up into a ball and weeping in their underwear.
Most people couldn't handle that kind of pressure; but my Mom shouldered it with her quiet sense of grace and dignity. She never asked to be praised for it, she never asked to be rewarded by anybody. She just did it naturally, like working your way from the ground up with tons of debt, two kids and nobody to help you is something everybody can just do.
Trust me when I say, it isn't.
People often ask me if it was hard growing up with a single parent, and I tell them HECK NO. I'm glad my deadbeat dad abandoned my family early in my life. I wish he had been a better man for the sake of all of us, but he wasn't. My dad had nothing to contribute to my family but his personal problems and I'm thankful we didn't have to deal with them. A lot of people get stuck with two crappy, abusive or childish parents. My brother and I were lucky to get one of the best in the world.
And she wasn't just happy raising the two of us, Mom decided to help out every kid she could by being a teacher.
My Mom dedicated her life to helping out people that nobody else wanted to help. She taught the developmentally challenged and has dedicated over thirty years of her life to helping these kids live better lives. When I say that, I don't mean she's just teaching them subjects and taking them bowling and swimming. I mean she dedicates her time to making sure these kids are understood as unique individuals and that their problems are handled realistically by a bureaucracy and a public at large that often wants to shoe-horn all of them into a single mold for the sake of convenience. So instead of creating a system that ignores its charges and just assumes it can shove every square peg into every round hole, my Mom went directly to the parents, learned the kids environment, their habits at homes and mapped out a way to effectively enrich their lives by modifying their every day experience and their school work. She didn't just make the lives of the kids better, she made the lives of their parents better. She showed them how to grow from their experience and how to understand each other better.
For her reputation alone, parents of children facing these kinds of challenges have requested her class by name. And she takes on any kind of student. She's been known for taking problem kids with violent tendencies and within a year showing astonishing improvement in their character and their ability to be a safe and effective member of society.
She once had a student who was so violent he would rush up to attack her, grab her by the hair and whip her neck back in angry outbursts. Mind you this was a six foot tall 20 year old man with no understanding of physical restraint or the limitations for his strength, attacking a 60 year old woman. And the 60 year old woman wasn't allowed to fight back and at the same time had to make sure the violent 20 year old wasn't going to hurt any of the incredibly vulnerable kids in her class.
Kids in wheelchairs.
I can't speak for anybody else, but me? First time it happened I'd be gone. There's a lot of better, higher paying jobs, even in education, where you don't have to get attacked by psychotic lunatics.
The only job with comparable standards is being a prison guard, and those guys get sticks and guns and a group of beefy motherfuckers with sticks and guns backing them up ...in RIOT GEAR.
My Mom? Nada.
My Mom suffered from neck pain and nagging injuries because of these attacks. But while anybody else would be going to the court of law, suing the shit out of the government for even putting that freaking kid into their classroom, my Mom worked around it. She toughed it out and even though the kid belonged in a mental hospital, she figured out what created most of his violent tendencies and neutralized those elements. Like every kid she's ever managed, Mom set up the rules, put her foot down and the kid fell in line. And by the time the year was done, the violent kid was showing dramatic personal and emotional improvement the likes of which they'd never shown in their entire life under any teacher, helper or worker.
This isn't the exception to my Mom's reputation as a teacher. This is the rule. And it has been the rule for over thirty years and anybody who has ever worked with her or had students in her care will attest to it. And that's just the tip of the iceberg of her relationship with kids and education. She doesn't just teach, she gives moral support and aid, is a friendly ear when there's nobody else to listen and has helped run school plays, meetings and workshops to teach other teachers.
Because of bad luck and a bad relationship my Mom learned what it was like to be underprivileged. A lot of people who face that situation and rise above it become filthy rich hoarding cash in the desperate fear that they might once again be underprivileged. Thinking that the problem that existed is a monetary one and looking down in disdain at anybody who can't simply 'rise above it'. They're wrong.
My Mom did the exact opposite. She learned from the situation and gave everything in her experience to the underprivileged around her to help raise them up and make their lives better. She understood what it was like to be in their situation and she dedicated her life to being the helping hand for others, that never existed for her.
My Mom understands that the problem isn't monetary, it's humanitarian.
So this year when her peers nominated her for Teacher of the Year, my response (and the response of many of her parents and friends) was simple:
It's about freaking time. |
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| I Would Like to Thank the Academy... |
[Feb. 23rd, 2009|04:12 pm] |
For once again wasting an entire evening of my life, I could have spent in more constructive ways, like drowning in tears over the sorrows of my lonely existence.
So, lets see. My thoughts on the Brad Pitt Show..er..I mean the Oscars. HAHAHA! Wow. How could I make that mistake?
- Hugh Jackman can sing and dance. Who knew?
- The OSCARS are like Super Bowl Sunday for the TMZ crowd. Only, you know, without the ratings. Or the kick-ass commercials. Or the basic humanity and desire to somewhat preserve and cherish life that Football advocates. You get tackled in Football and maybe get injured and taken to the hospital. No big deal. You wear the wrong fucking dress to the Oscars and you get skinned alive by Joan Rivers and a thousand freaky, snarky, Skesis-looking Baba Yagas with bigger chips on their shoulders than motherfucking Atlas himself.
- LOOK, IT'S BRAD PITT! (This happened forty eight million times during the Oscar Broadcast, but in particular after every single time that The Curious Case won an award and some very nervous guy did his acceptance speech. The camera just cuts to BRAD PITT nodding sagely in his seat, his eyes gleaming, looking off into the distance at some incredible truth that perhaps only BRAD PITT can see. BRAD PITT. He just might be Magic.)
- Oh snap! The 'Entertainment Rags' will be chirping because Jennifer Aniston brought her new boyfriend to the Oscars! Gasp. I'll bet that's eating BRAD PITT alive. Yep. He's only one of the most talented actors on the planet, one of the best looking men in history, he's only dating one of the most incredibly beautiful women known to mankind, has a massive family of the cutest children anyone could ever ask for, and makes MILLIONS of dollars doing what he loves for a living, while using his influence and money to help bring attention to humanitarian crisis all across the globe. But OH NO! Jennifer Aniston is moving on! Take that Brad Pitt!! She is *so* over you! I'll bet he's fuming right now as he parties all week long while using hundred dollar bills to light his forty-eight thousand dollar cigars. Poor sonofabitch.
- Wow, Alicia Keys towered over High School Musical sweetheart Zac Efron like some kind of impossible colossal statue from Rome. And if there's words I never thought I'd write, it's saying that Alicia Keys towered over anybody like a frigging colossus. Just how short do you have to be, to have Alicia Keys dwarf you? Zac looked like Tattoo from Fantasy Island, I kept on expecting him to tug on Alicia's dress and exclaim "The Plane Boss! The Plane!"
- And the winner for Best Actor in a film is... Gay Marriage!! Take that Proposition Hate! Look folks, I'm all for equality and I think everybody has the right to get married regardless of what some crazy bigots in religious institutions think; but what the hell does any of that have to do with ACTING? Is there some kind of rule against rewarding someone for what they accomplish in a performance, instead of rewarding someone for what we hope they might accomplish? Helloooo? You know what makes me even more upset? I actually predicted this would happen. And I felt I was being too cynical. Silly me.
- And the winner of Best Actress in a movie: Kate Winslet's tits! Poor Elizabeth Berkeley. Showgirls was just ten years ahead of its time.
- Steve Martin: "Don't fall in love with me." Fucking impossible Steve. Fucking. Impossible.
- "Domo Arigato Mr. Roboto." Well, at least he recognized the Academy for what they were...
- Always bet on Pixar, Jack. ALWAYS. (I didn't during my Oscar predictions. Hey, I said I was being cynical...)
- Wow the nominations for Best Score sounded like the soundtrack for Elevator Music. Putting yo' Ass to Sleep since 1993.
- "I was given the choice between hate and love! I chose love! And I'm still here!" (Promptly gets played off stage by the Oscar band) HATE RULES ALL MOTHA-FUCKA.
- Ben Stiller? More like...Ben Still Not Funny. Ben Still Makes Shitty Jokes. Ben Still Not Cool. More like BEN FILLER. Like Ben FILLER OF TIME on Oscar show! (Continue for 20 minutes on your own to get the right effect)
- Did anyone else see Miley Cyrus's dress? It looked like it was made completely out of that toxic fake tinsel snow that people used to put on Christmas trees, until they figured out it was made from concentrated DDT. Frankly? I got wood.
- Josh Brolin got screwed!!
- And Slumdog Millionaire won everything else that BRAD PITT, Boobs and Gay Marriage didn't win. Because Slumdog was a movie about HOPE. And Barack Obama is a President for HOPE. And Republicans HOPE the economic plan doesn't work. And the Oscars HOPE that constantly cutting to BRAD PITT will keep their ratings up. And this blog is also about HOPE.
My HOPE that next year I'll be too busy getting laid to even consider watching the Oscars.
Fuck you single life.
Fuck you. |
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| Oscar Round-Table of the Gods!!! |
[Feb. 19th, 2009|01:57 pm] |
And the Gods are ANGRY. (mostly at The Reader for being a soft-porn holocaust movie that tries to give an out to the evils of the holocaust while putting forth its thought-provoking 'message' that stupidity and overcompensation leads to evil. Yeah, no shit Sherlock.)
Behold, your hosts. The verbal typhoon in human form Doctor Royce Clemens, Movie Geeks United inhumanly prolific and insightful Jerry Dennis and myself (to form Voltron) will tell you who we want to see win at the Oscars.
Why should you listen to us? Because we're fucking awesome.
Goddamit.
OSCAR ROUND-TABLE |
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| The Art of Fighting |
[Feb. 17th, 2009|02:40 am] |
So I've been drowning in fight choreography for the last six weeks, cause I'm writing up a martial arts film. I've been looking at tons of fight scenes, watching and re-watching Drunken Master 2, 8 Diagram Pole Fighter, Flash-Point and Fist of Legend and the 1940s Mark of Zorror (cause they're the best fight films in motion picture history). Someone recommended for me to check out 'The Bourne' films for their fights, and honestly...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yi3Y3-8J9X8
That's...really mediocre. Besides the editing hiding the choreography, there's really no sense of identity or character going on. I know that the gimmick for this fight is that it is suppose to be 'real' and that 'real fights' aren't beautiful and are vicious and brutal and dirty and scrappy. And of course, this is very true, if you suck at fighting. If, on the other hand you're phenomenal at fighting and very comfortable fighting, and you face someone who is mediocre, yes, you bloody well can dance around their ass like a goddamn peacock and do flying flip tornado kicks and spinning heel kicks. If someone like Bourne is supposed to be a 'super killer', then it goes without saying that he's at least as comfortable in a street fight as the average UFC fighter is in a UFC match. Can an average UFC fighter pick apart an inferior opponent with flashy moves and make it look easy?
( Read More... ) |
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| From the Chest: No Country For Old Movies. |
[Feb. 5th, 2009|11:44 am] |
A little forgotten treasure I found while going through my script chest today. Here's a little throw-away script I put together for an MTV movie parody competition last year. Sadly, Canadians could not compete because we're too awesome; so the project had to end before it even got off the ground. But since I'll never be using the script for anything, here's what 'might have been'.
NO COUNTRY FOR OLD MOVIES (1st Draft): ( Read more... )
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| OH MY GAWD. |
[Feb. 3rd, 2009|10:50 pm] |
I got a chance to shoot with a Redrock M2 and it was better than sex.
With me.
And I'm FANTASTIC.
But you knew that already. |
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