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The World's Sexiest Canadian
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| My First Time... |
[Nov. 16th, 2009|05:09 am] |
I tried some Hong Kong style fight choreography today with my buddies Todd and HK stunt man/fight choreographer Jimmy Lo for the first time.
Things that didn't surprise me.
- My cardio stinks.
- I have all the grace of a hippo doing gymnastics.
Things that surprised me.
- I could keep up with Todd's hand speed pretty well (at least defensively). Although when he went from 50% normal speed (which is what he does in training) to 70% speed (which is what he does in action scenes while shooting), it was completely insane and I thought I was going to get clocked. I was actually shouting out in shrill terror like a little sissy during the exchanges a couple of times.
- I've heard people compare it to a dance, but they're wrong. It's a lot like a very fast 'reacting' punching drill exchange, where you throw punches against their pads and then they throw against your gloves. Only here you have no pads/gloves and you have to remember the choreography of your exchanges and your timing (otherwise, Haha, you get punched) and your opponent's blocking (otherwise, haha, you punch your friend) and you have to exchange at pretty much fighting speed, instead of 'drill bag' speed, so it's super-intense.
- The physical toll it takes on your endurance is actually comparable to a real fight, because you're going from zero to a hundred. Its like choreographed sparring going full out. I did around fifteen exchanges at full speed and I was ready to vomit. It just cooked my cardio.
- I thought I had some idea how intricate and difficult this stuff is, but I actually had no idea, none whatsoever. I have no idea how Carlos and Todd can do this stuff for a full minute, running through rooms, around objects, while acting and reacting. Right now, for me it would be ridiculous, but even in my best shape, when I was running stairs every single day and doing boxing, kickboxing, MMA and wrestling, I would never be able to do it. I mean they did one fight, that took them six weeks of shooting, eight hours a day, every single day. That's fucking crazy. I seriously doubt I could even remember up to fifty/sixty exchanges in a single session let alone the two hundred and seventy Carlos/Todd did in their one fight. In particular while running down an alleyway, trying to keep your body's positioning right with the camera, under heavy lighting, avoiding obstacles, and acting/reacting and 'selling' the hits. That's lunacy. People who call this stuff 'Chopsocky' and downplay how difficult it is are totally retarded. This is as intense and difficult an art as you will ever been exposed to in your life. It's more difficult and more dangerous and requires more physical discipline than something like dancing. The people who do it effortlessly like the Donnie Yens, the Sammo Hungs and the Jackie Chans, are literally the best physical performers of all time, and that includes Charlie Chaplin and Buster Keaton.
Like this fight from Drunken Master 2:
The fact that Chan didn't win an Oscar for that performance is a travesty. |
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| Great cover of a crappy song |
[Nov. 15th, 2009|07:44 pm] |
Much thanks to Stewart for getting at least five of my friends hooked on the Doug Anthony All Stars. |
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| V Fallout and Other Thangs |
[Nov. 5th, 2009|02:43 pm] |
Wow, lots of V fans following me, I guess.
I got nearly four hundred letters of V nerdrage telling me where I can stick it.
I think it was suppose to make me feel bad.
Oddly, it just REALLY turned me on.
In more important news, THE TODD is coming back to Toronto. This is good, I miss the gang desperately. So much so at times it makes me want to move to San Diego/San Francisco just to hang out with everybody.
Hopefully I will be shooting this weekend. I miss not shooting. When I'm not shooting I feel like I am an awful person sitting on his butt doing nothing while the whole world passes me by.
Saw Alan's work on Winter, it is freaking amazing (as always).
Working on two new scripts, one feature-length, the other five minute short. Not much to say, really! |
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| V: Glenn Beck's Science Fiction Wet Dream Come True |
[Nov. 4th, 2009|03:30 am] |
OK, so I watched the pilot episode of the remake of V: The Mini-Series.
Point the first:
V starts off by attempting to copy the success of another reboot of a cheesy dated science fiction series by going the Battlestar Galactica route("anybody can be a Visitor!") using the aliens ability to blend in with the rest of us as a way to create tension! Of course they forgot the whole 'writing, character, plot' thing that made that element work in BSG. Instead V's storyline deals with the aliens hiding in positions of power for centuries sowing discontent, which sounds a lot like it was inspired by the conspiracy theories of David Icke, who believes everybody in positions of power are secretly related to space reptiles here to eat us, a concept he clearly stole from the original V mini-series. So yes, the new V series is copying BSG using a conspiracy theory that's derivative of the original V series.
And then we have the subtext. V is an hour long, completely insane comparison between the Visitors and the Obama Administration, as seen through the eyes of Glenn Beck. In fact there should probably be a subtitle appearing periodically at the bottom of the screen informing the viewer that 'This is what Glenn Beck Actually Believes'. The show spends most of its ending minutes hammering its message through your face with a giant wooden club when the leader of the aliens (naturally a Super-Model) explains to the human reporter that the Visitors are going to open up centers to deal with the sick in every single city across the globe and cure millions of people with cancer and disabilities for free.
Naturally the reporter, thinking about how all those poor insurance companies will lose profits, looks aghast:
"Do you mean it will be like....UNIVERSAL HEALTHCARE?!"
The Diabolical Space Woman looks at him with a sense of emotionless, alien, evil, that can only be found in the heart of a socialist.
"Uh-yeah."
BUM-BUM-BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!
This is not helped by the fact that V's writing makes the cut scenes in Resident Evil 5 look like Iris Murdoch's "The Sea, The Sea".
For example, a son takes a free ride onto a V mothership, meets a hot alien girl, is indoctrinated into the Visitor-Perspective and begins painting "V" graffiti on walls, which gets him scolded by his mother (who is also an FBI agent)
"Why are you doing this?" she asks "Is it because your father left us?"
All this and religion too!
We have a hero who's a bible-thumping fanatic who doubts the aliens because (get this), the Bible says they can't be real!!
He's the tough-as-nails, action-movie version of Reverend Fred Phelps; discriminating against an entire species, just because the bible sez so!
And we're seriously suppose to side with this guy; and he's the freaking romantic lead to boot!
GAH!
V reminds me of Independence Day, not just because the opening is clearly a homage to ID4 (so much so that they namedrop it), but because I find myself hoping that the aliens win.
Go team Space Lizard! |
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| Halloween Pet Peeve. |
[Nov. 1st, 2009|01:30 pm] |
I'm feeling pretty yucky right now, so maybe this will come off as me being grumpy.
BUT.
Dear Twitter/Facebook: Enough with the grown men whining about women dressing in scantily clad costumes on Halloween, already.
"They look like prostitutes! Dur-dur-dur-dur".
It's Halloween, you freaking maroons.
Maybe you heard about it before? It's this celebration about releasing inhibitions, having fun, feeling good about yourself? I guess that only applies to guys, huh?
Stupid, prudish, puritanical, tight-asses.
Get off my lawn!!! |
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| Conservative Horror Movies! |
[Oct. 23rd, 2009|09:09 am] |
My friend Sara sent a link to me of a website that was offering suggestions of Conservative horror cinema. Unfortunately their picks are so piss-poor (The MIST?! ReAnimator?! LULZ) that I decided to make my own list of Halloween Horror flicks for the Tea-Baggers out there.
PHANTASM: Lax regulations in inter-dimensional laws allow alien entrepreneur The Tall Man to pillage American graveyards for dead bodies to create low-cost, non Union work force. This continues for several sequels until undead-troll slave bubble implodes, which the Tall Man and inter-dimensional free market agents blame on Reggie Bannister and minorities.
RETURN OF THE LIVING DEAD: It claims to be based on a true story because it is! Return of the Living Dead is the true story about a bunch of old, crusty, living corpses crawling out of their holes to eat the brains of the youth. That's the best metaphor for the 1980s, ever! And the Tar-Man even looks like Ronald Reagan!
AMERICAN WEREWOLF IN LONDON: American jack-ass tourist comes to Europe to get laid and make fun of the locals, and after a few too many drinks (and graphically violent hallucinations) he finds himself turning into a naked, frothing, slobbering animal rampaging across the country-side that is wrongfully oppressed by the British authorities! Those damn red-coats! Can’t an American just watch a porno and eat a few Irish people in peace?!
GREMLINS: American consumer buys foreign product with deadly results!!!
THE MANGLER: Sweat shop unfairly shut down by government regulation after steam-press becomes possessed with satanic, human-eating demon. Attempts at regulating demon-spirit lead to disaster!! YOU SEE!! WE TOLD YOU!!! IT'S ALL A METAPHOR FOR FANNIE-MAE AND FREDDIE-MAC!
FRIDAY THE 13th: Outraged soccer mom is going to fix those teenagers for having sex before marriage! And their little Kevin Bacon too!!!
C.H.U.D: Not only do homeless people want to be homeless...they want to be flesh-eating monsters mutated by toxic waste!! Those lazy bastards!! I'm never giving them change again!!
HOSTEL: After the downfall of Communism in Eastern Europe, Capitalism brings in glory days of for-profit TORTURE THEME PARK! New job opportunities! World-wide appeal for rich and elite tourists wishing to escape the suffocating and stifling anti-murder and anti-torture regulations in the West! Laissez faire wins again!
HELLRAISER: Cautionary tale of how having lots of naughty sex and being good at problem solving can lead to an eternity of damnation in bondage outfits and getting tons of facial piercings!! JOMG!!!! How will you get a job now KRISTY?!
THE RING: Watching scary movies leads to death of impressionable youths!!! Remember to get the AMERICAN REMAKE, not the original Asian horror classic. The American remake was filmed in AMERICA-VISION where all the lead roles are now being performed by white people and Asians are regulated to simply being mentioned or perhaps working at variety stores. |
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| Short Reviews for Short People. |
[Oct. 19th, 2009|02:18 pm] |
Where the Wild Things Are: Stunning visuals and incredible creature FX and performances highlight a solid effort by Jonze; but a grating soundtrack and a lot of overwrought characterization buries the point of the original book in a sea of self-important fan-wank.
*** out of *****
Paranormal Activity: Decent horror flick until it all falls apart in the final act. Terrible ending and some wonky character logic bring down what could have been a classic Haunting movie.
*** out of *****
Zombieland: Pretty fun zombie splatter flick, with a hilarious cameo by Bill Murray. But I still liked this one better when it was called Shaun of the Dead.
*** out of *****
Sorority Row: Another remake that takes a shot at resurrecting the whole "I know what you did last summer" thriller formula and falls on its face. Meh.
** out of *****
Surrogates: Great concept, seriously flawed execution.
** out of *****
The Stepfather: Answers the immortal question 'can this remake water down the original's watered down plot devices even more to appeal to modern teens'? The answer naturally is: YES. It doesn't help that the promo material had the actors comparing the film to the finest of Alfred Hitchcock. *head-desk*
* out of *****
Capitalism: A Love Story: Some interesting facts and information, that's routinely interrupted for Mike's comedy and melodrama. I'd rather have just seen a movie featuring the facts.
*** out of *****
Fighting: Why do movies that claim to be about 'realistic' fighting insist on pushing this ridiculous 'underground circuit Bloodsport' crap, when stories about actual fighters and what they have to go to through emotionally, physically and intellectually to get in the ring is a thousand times more interesting and realistic?
** out of *****
Last House on the Left: Last House on the Left was timely and tasteless. It could be seen as a commentary on how conservative Brady Bunch parents, if pushed hard enough, would act in a similar fashion to teenage thug criminals. The Virgin Springs was a similar story taking shots at the concept of Christianity turning the other cheek. This remake is just rape for the sake of watching a rape scene. Eeeeeh. No thanks.
1/2 out of *****
The Final Destination: 3-D: Wile E. Coyote returns as Death, with his usual range of ACME-style, hip-slapping, face-smacking, Rube Goldberg-ian death traps to slaughter a host of teens. In 3-D. Take it or leave it.
** 1/2 out of *****
Inglourious Basterds: My favorite of the recent QT flicks. It's goofy, startling, profound and campy all at once. It blends diverse elements and performances and comes up with a true original that makes everything around it look outdated. I wanted to have its babies.
***** out of *****
Gamer: This movie = Not Sparta. Michael C. Hall really disappointed me with his performance. I liked it better when it was called "The Running Man" and had Arnold fighting a fat guy in a Christmas Tree outfit shooting lightening from his hands. No. Seriously.
* out of *****
H2: Halloween II: I just don't get this reboot. Horror already has a lumbering violent psycho with a Mommy complex. Trying to make Halloween original by making it into a derivative of Friday the 13th is like Black Sabbath trying to be original by covering a Black Sabbath tribute band.
** out of *****
G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra Inexplicably terrible. One of Sommers least watchable efforts, that lacks the proper coherency or consistency to create even the basic outline of a story let alone make you really care about the characters. This effect transforms a majority of the film into a series of action scenes, where you just don't care about the action. And in a movie that's 99% action, that's not a good thing.
1/2 out of ***** |
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| When injokes become films |
[Oct. 18th, 2009|09:53 pm] |
So I haven't even finished the six projects I've already got on the go when I get another iron for the fire. A few days back I was making fun of shot on digital science fiction flicks that were filmed in some dude's basement, which were basically masquerading as opportunities for an overweight guy who looks like Gomez Adams to make out with hot actresses at least half his age.
Proclaiming what a great idea this was I said I was going to do a Sci-Fi epic starring myself in the lead called Captain Dirk Schadenfreude and The Case of The Audacious Author-Insertion!
I meant it as a joke but it seems Tammy and Carlos see great potential and are now bugging me for a script.
Oh DEARS. |
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| Well, I had plans for sleep buttttttt........ |
[Oct. 9th, 2009|03:31 am] |
I'm shooting my film today! My creative juices are at an all-time high. I'm squirting creation all over the place! *squirt-squirt*
It's like Christmas, only...it's Thanksgiving! |
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| McDonalds is run by idiots. |
[Oct. 7th, 2009|10:11 am] |
I've had a very exhausting couple of days preparing myself for the film shoot. I've been looking into lighting and prep-work, going over the script to see what kind of shots I'll want, making sure I'm getting everything I need and watching tons of horror films and art-house flicks for inspiration.
And not getting enough sleep.
Yesterday I decided to just run out and grab some fast-food to eat, and take the rest of the evening off. I go to McDonald's and get home with an Angus-Burger and it smells bad.
OK, yes, it comes from McDonald's. Ha-ha. This is normal. But not 'bad-food' bad. I'm talking CHEMICAL bad. I'm talking about burning plastic here. So yeah. No dinner for me. At this point I really didn't care, seeing as how the Angross Burger had done a number on my appetite with an olfactory shovel.
So I decide to take the burger back. Be the good Samaritan and warn the McDonald's people that they're serving toxic swill and might make someone sick and get sued into next week.
Here is my conversation with the McDonald's manager. I'm not shitting you. This is the god's honest truth. She actually said this to me.
I take the burger in and hand it to the manager.
Me: "I'm sorry. My burger smells like burning plastic, it has a bad chemical stink to it. You might want to check your kitchen."
McDonald's Manager smells the burger and says: "All of our burgers smell this way."
Me: "......"
Not the sharpest spoon in the drawer.
Pardon me if I don't go call a Health Inspector. (Which I've done, TEE-HEE)
So if you live in London Ontario or even if you're visiting and you have an appetite for a good, old fashioned Toxic Chemical Angross Mc'Bola Burger, visit McDonald's at 1033 Wonderland Road South and pick up an intestinal infection!
You might even get something extra for the kids; like Mc'coli poisoning. |
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| Awesome. |
[Sep. 25th, 2009|07:49 pm] |
A group of amazing French Canadian film students do a music video for a Black Eyed Peas song in ONE TAKE.
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| Back from Oblivion. |
[Sep. 9th, 2009|08:26 pm] |
Last Friday I was informed that an interested party wanted to read one of my screenplays.
I was told I had until Tuesday 11:59pm to submit the screenplay to them.
Unfortunately I had no screenplay for them to read. Everything I've written either is working to be in development at the moment or is a personal project that I want to have a certain degree of creative control over. Which left me in quite a bind, having to think up, write, create, revise and edit a feature-length screenplay from scratch in five days.
So I locked myself in, turned off the television, unplugged the phone, abandoned most communication and set myself to creating artistic perfection.
Yesterday, one hundred and fourteen pages later, I had finished the screenplay, with an extra two hours before deadline to spare. I happily wasted those two hours dancing the funky chicken and shaking my ass, like only I can do.
The script was not perfect but it was done; and when it comes to any artistic endeavor being finished is better than being perfect.
Proud of myself, giddy with sleep deprivation and with a sense of professional accomplishment I went onto the internet to announce my victory; only to be told by my good friend Edward:
"Dude didn't you get Tam's email yesterday? The deadline was extended by two weeks."
My reaction:
Oh HA-HA, Universe.
VERY FUNNY |
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